Easter and Letting Go

I'm not really sure what I want to say but I know I feel the need to say it. I'm sitting here feeling sad because I'm questioning why I have this aversion to Easter. I mean it's not a favorite holiday of mine. I think of it a lot and try to figure out why I get the urge to cancel the holiday and wipe it from my life forever. Let me back track on some reasons why I find it hard to tolerate. First I remember as a child the anticipation of the Easter Bunnys visit which is exciting to a child. Grown ups say , "Better be good, the Easter bunny's watching you! If your bad he won't come!" Well I was a normal child of course and I remember being ornary at times but I wouldn't classify me as a bad child by any means ! In fact I remember feeling that I had to be in control of my situation (at 6 yrs. old) because my mom was an alcoholic and dad and she would go out OFTEN and I would be left alone. They never checked to see if I was alright. I couldn't understand this as a child. One day I came home from school at Glenwood elementary and noone was there, door locked, no key given or left for me, no note of concern. I remember sitting on the steps to our porch wondering what to do. I soon decided that I would walk to my grandmas , she live on East 21st near Wayne St. I lived at 2702 1/2 Peach St. (remember I was 6). Anyway back to Easter...you probably guessed it the Easter bunny never came. This happened many times, sure there were times they would get me something after Easter but somehow the magic was lost . I have memories of church with my grandma and the story of the ressurection which as a child scared me. Kids think literally remember.I was so scared by what these people did to Jesus . I understood that he arose but the holding my breath til Easter was a tough one ! So many years passed Easters came and went never a happy time at our house. Always turmoil. When I had children of my own I was determined to make this and every other holiday happy for them. It was exciting to see their precious little faces on Easter morning and it brought me much joy. I also made sure my children went to church and learned about God and the true meaning of Easter. So for awhile Easter was good. April 12, 1987 my dad passed way, that was palm Sunday that year. My dad had lung cancer and he suffered so much, breathing was hard he had to be suctioned many times a day. The night that he died my brother, sister and I were by his side in the hospital room. Our pastor began reading The 23rd Psalm," The lord is my shepard, I shall not want, he maketh me lie down in green pastures..." Between my dad gasping for air and the psalm (and 3 weeks being in the hospital feeling the fatigue) I lost it. I stormed out of the room and just sobbed. I wouldn't go back in that room. I was so angry at God. How could he take my father away from me again ? Mom and he were separated when I was nine. This time it would be forever. The pastor said to me , "If you think about it ,it is sort of neat that he passed away on Palm Sunday." Ugh... I went to church the following Sunday with my kids and my brother. I did feel a sense of peace being there. Five years later my mom succumbed to colon cancer. During her convalescence at home I took care of her . On Easter weekend, good Friday, she began acting erratic. She was up and down , up and down, sitting up in bed, laying down in bed, eyes rolling back in her head, not making sense. There was no way to fix this. I had to call an ambulance. She was hospitalized over Easter weekend because her potassium was too low. When I went to the hospital to visit her I walked in smiling and she looked at me and said, "I don't want you here! You should not have done this, now I can't be home with my family for Easter! Go away I don't want to talk to you!" Needless to say, "OUCH!" Of course she couldn't rationalize that in the state that she was in that night she wouldn't be spending Easter on earth if I hadn't called the ambulance. Even though I know deep in my heart that I did the right thing that night it still eats at me , the guilt over what she said. I didn't go to church that Easter. Mom passed away June 4, 1992. This year my best friends mom is terminally ill and I feel so deeply for the pain that Cheri and her family is going through. Her mom, Esther is hospitalized in Pittsburgh and had a very bad day on Tuesday. Cheri is fatigued from the whole experience and called me very distraught Tuesday evening. Cheri said ,"HOW? Just tell me how did you do this 3 times? How can you be so strong?! You were always able to hold it together and I just can't!" I explained that I too broke down with my parents and sister. I hate that she has to go through this.I literally feel her pain. I often try to protect people and shield them from their pain. I finally had an epiphany this year after all the grief with the twins. You have to let people go through their trials or they won't learn and grow stronger. I feel that those stories are my reasons for not wanting Easter to come each year. I need to focus on the good news that Easter brings with the resurrection of our Lord. I know that. In the times when I was so alone and scared and burdened it was him that carried me, I am sure of that. These trials were just a few of many that I and others have to endure. The good news is that God is real and we must trust that he has a plan even though they do not always go as we want, remember he is there and he is in control. That's not an easy thing to do to let go and let God. I finally figured this out this year. You can tell people God's in control but they don't fully grasp that,until they're ready. I didn't. I will rejoice on Easter because of the promise that it brings. I need , we need, to remember those last words every day, ...Thy will be done."