Memories

Im not really sure what I want to say in this post. All I know is that soon, September 17th will be the one year anniversary of my sister's passing. I can't believe how quickly the time has gone. Not one day goes by that I don't think of Carol. I think of the many times we've spent together. Good times and times of grief. Memories of being a baby and being held in her arms, being a child and her taking me to Disney movies and teaching me nursery rhymes, living with her for brief periods, spending every Christmas with her and her family, being a teenager and visiting her each summer. As we aged we still would visit and get together for Christmas until she moved to California in 2004. Then we would talk on the phone,not as often as we should have though. I was always busy.

We had a blast when I helped her drive to California to live with her daughter, Colleen and her family. Along the way we stopped in every state and took pictures. We met a group of elderly ladies in Greenup, Illinois that were quilting, Indians selling handmade jewelry in New Mexico, a 99 year old man riding a Harley in Indiana. In St.Louis we stopped 2 days to meet my neice Colleen & her husband Scott to attend a walk for their baby Chase that had passed away. Passing through Oklahoma we visited a friend of mine,in Arizona we stopped to see the beautiful landscape, the red mountains were so breathtaking. As Carol & I drove up into the mountains nightfall crept in and she asked me to drive. I had never been on a mountain road as narrow, winding and steep in my life! Signs alerting drivers to beware of mountain lions, bear, moose etc. were catching my eye ! There were no guardrails and signs that cautioned to the long drop that would occur if you veered too close ! When we got to the Hoover Dam I was so shakey that I asked her to take over. We stopped to look at the Dam , which I wanted to do from the car! Carol encouraged me to get out and look over the dam and wasn't moving till I did. I quickly jumped out of the car , peered towards the dam and hopped back in! Carol thought this was hillarious! Carol started laughing and her laugh was so funny, it would sound like she was crying instead of laughing when she found something hysterical. I miss that laugh.

Las Vegas was next. We stayed with Carol's friend Sharyn while in Vegas. We went to Harrah's, The Bellagio, Caesar's Palace and dined at a restaurant in the Bellagio. It was a relaxing day. Earlier that day Carol had spotted an Elvis impersonator and was so excited thinking that I would be thrilled because it was Elvis. Not many people know this, even though I adore Elvis Presley I absolutely loathe Elvis impersonators. Carol beged me to have my picture taken with him and I did to make her smile. Boy did she chuckle when Sharyn and I posed with him! I'm glad I did that now. One day Sharyn drove us to the Red Rock Canyon to go Burro spotting. We spotted a few and then Carol and I got out to take pictures of ourselves. Carol posed on a rock kicking her legs up like a Rockette, she was s full of energy and life. I miss that energy.

We reached our final destination, Modesto, CA , Colleen & Scott's home the next day. While there we visited San Francisco and went to Pier 39. Carol wanted me to see the seals and Alcatraz. It is fun to think of her excitement that day. I miss that excitement.

It's difficult when you loose one so dear to your heart. Almost once everyday Emma mentions Carol. Emma asks when she can see Aunt Carol again and each time I explain that Aunt Carol is in heaven now. Just yesterday Emma asked to use my cell phone to call Aunt Carol in heaven and I said no honey you can't call her. Emma replied "Why? Don't they have phones in heaven?"Carol made an impact on so many lives during her time here on earth. I miss that impact.

I miss her warmth, her love, her hugs & kisses, all of her. I miss my sister. I will end with a saying from Kahlil Gibran that I came across while Carol & I were traveling West.

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight"- Kalil Gibran

Camping

Last weekend I went camping to Cooks Forest with Danielle, Dave, Emma & Candace. I was reluctant at first for a few reasons ; 1. I can't lay flat on my back and especially not on the ground! I would literally not be able to walk the next day if I slept in a tent.

2. I'm afraid of wild animals (bears)

3.I have the MOTHER of all blisters on the back of my right heel !

4.I'm afraid of water that I can't see through.

5. I get up to use the bathroom at least 3 times a night.

After discussing wanting to go with Dave & Danielle I decided my wanting to be with them out weighed all my fears. I decided to let it go and trust God. I am so glad that I did. We had a really nice time. Watching Emma & Candace was priceless, they are so animated at this age. From Candace's excitement to Emma's forever questioning "Why?". Their willingness to help out by washing dishes,gathering wood, filling up pails of water ,collecting sticks and just anything they could do was awesome to watch.

As for my apprehension this is what I did to cope:

1.I slept on the seat of my van.

2. I thought about the fact that a bear could stumble into our camp site as I lay in the van cursing Dave for putting the food in it! But he had to ,I know. I decided "Well if being eaten by a bear is my destiny then so be it!

3. After discussing my blister problem with Danielle we decided to go to Wal-Mart to get waterproof bandages for the river(ugh...) tubing.

4. I decided to go down the river on a tube with Candace. I was apprehensive to say the least! Danielle was in a tube with Emma and we decided we would tie our tubes together....fail! All we accomplished with that was spinning in circles, getting stuck on a rock where a boy tried to help us and his canoe ran into our tube, which scared the crap out of Candace! Then Danielle's tube went one way and mine the other around a metal pole, with Dave ahead of us screaming "Are you serious?! Do you see where you're going?!" As we were wrapped around this metal pole trying to get loose, Danielle & I just busted out laughing! She untied us and Dave became our tube guide for the rest of the trip. Dave was very patient with Candace & I and he hung on to our rope the whole 2 1/2 miles. I know he wanted to relax and float down the river but he helped us and I am very grateful. In fact he's my new B.F.F.! (Don't tell Cheri!)

5. I slowed down on my fluids at 8:00 then I didn't have to use the restroom at night. (Too much information?)

One highlight of the tubing was when Dave & I were promising Candace ice cream after the river trip she broke into a bluesy Etta James kind of song singing, "I ain't got no money for no chocolate or no vanilla!" Hillarious!

I am really happy that I faced my fears and went camping. I will treasure those memories forever. Thanks Danielle & Dave! I love you both so much!

July Visit With The Twins

Alayna & Kiana

On May 13th Alayna & Kiana were 6 months old ! A day I didn't think would happen back in November when they were born 3 months prematurely. I am so thankful that God watched over them and they are doing well.

Brandi, Candace & I spent time with them on May 13th at Chuck E. Cheese. I was so happy to see them,hold them, kiss & hug them . Candace was so excited to be with her sisters. She said, "Oh gramma I LOVE my sisters!" Candace wanted to feed them and hold them. Which she was able to do !

We had a wonderful visit. I even had "baby back" from holding them for so long ! Kiana is chubbier than Alayna. Kianas' cheeks look like they could pop if you touch them ! Alayna is real layed back and easy going and Alayna has discovered her hands ! Kiana gets impatient and screams but oh what a joyous sound when you think of what could've been back in the first few months !

Today I am thanking god for our blessings and all of your for your thoughts and prayers.

Kiana & Alayna 5months

Kiana & Alayna 5months,
originally uploaded by barbromanowicz.

Easter and Letting Go

I'm not really sure what I want to say but I know I feel the need to say it. I'm sitting here feeling sad because I'm questioning why I have this aversion to Easter. I mean it's not a favorite holiday of mine. I think of it a lot and try to figure out why I get the urge to cancel the holiday and wipe it from my life forever. Let me back track on some reasons why I find it hard to tolerate. First I remember as a child the anticipation of the Easter Bunnys visit which is exciting to a child. Grown ups say , "Better be good, the Easter bunny's watching you! If your bad he won't come!" Well I was a normal child of course and I remember being ornary at times but I wouldn't classify me as a bad child by any means ! In fact I remember feeling that I had to be in control of my situation (at 6 yrs. old) because my mom was an alcoholic and dad and she would go out OFTEN and I would be left alone. They never checked to see if I was alright. I couldn't understand this as a child. One day I came home from school at Glenwood elementary and noone was there, door locked, no key given or left for me, no note of concern. I remember sitting on the steps to our porch wondering what to do. I soon decided that I would walk to my grandmas , she live on East 21st near Wayne St. I lived at 2702 1/2 Peach St. (remember I was 6). Anyway back to Easter...you probably guessed it the Easter bunny never came. This happened many times, sure there were times they would get me something after Easter but somehow the magic was lost . I have memories of church with my grandma and the story of the ressurection which as a child scared me. Kids think literally remember.I was so scared by what these people did to Jesus . I understood that he arose but the holding my breath til Easter was a tough one ! So many years passed Easters came and went never a happy time at our house. Always turmoil. When I had children of my own I was determined to make this and every other holiday happy for them. It was exciting to see their precious little faces on Easter morning and it brought me much joy. I also made sure my children went to church and learned about God and the true meaning of Easter. So for awhile Easter was good. April 12, 1987 my dad passed way, that was palm Sunday that year. My dad had lung cancer and he suffered so much, breathing was hard he had to be suctioned many times a day. The night that he died my brother, sister and I were by his side in the hospital room. Our pastor began reading The 23rd Psalm," The lord is my shepard, I shall not want, he maketh me lie down in green pastures..." Between my dad gasping for air and the psalm (and 3 weeks being in the hospital feeling the fatigue) I lost it. I stormed out of the room and just sobbed. I wouldn't go back in that room. I was so angry at God. How could he take my father away from me again ? Mom and he were separated when I was nine. This time it would be forever. The pastor said to me , "If you think about it ,it is sort of neat that he passed away on Palm Sunday." Ugh... I went to church the following Sunday with my kids and my brother. I did feel a sense of peace being there. Five years later my mom succumbed to colon cancer. During her convalescence at home I took care of her . On Easter weekend, good Friday, she began acting erratic. She was up and down , up and down, sitting up in bed, laying down in bed, eyes rolling back in her head, not making sense. There was no way to fix this. I had to call an ambulance. She was hospitalized over Easter weekend because her potassium was too low. When I went to the hospital to visit her I walked in smiling and she looked at me and said, "I don't want you here! You should not have done this, now I can't be home with my family for Easter! Go away I don't want to talk to you!" Needless to say, "OUCH!" Of course she couldn't rationalize that in the state that she was in that night she wouldn't be spending Easter on earth if I hadn't called the ambulance. Even though I know deep in my heart that I did the right thing that night it still eats at me , the guilt over what she said. I didn't go to church that Easter. Mom passed away June 4, 1992. This year my best friends mom is terminally ill and I feel so deeply for the pain that Cheri and her family is going through. Her mom, Esther is hospitalized in Pittsburgh and had a very bad day on Tuesday. Cheri is fatigued from the whole experience and called me very distraught Tuesday evening. Cheri said ,"HOW? Just tell me how did you do this 3 times? How can you be so strong?! You were always able to hold it together and I just can't!" I explained that I too broke down with my parents and sister. I hate that she has to go through this.I literally feel her pain. I often try to protect people and shield them from their pain. I finally had an epiphany this year after all the grief with the twins. You have to let people go through their trials or they won't learn and grow stronger. I feel that those stories are my reasons for not wanting Easter to come each year. I need to focus on the good news that Easter brings with the resurrection of our Lord. I know that. In the times when I was so alone and scared and burdened it was him that carried me, I am sure of that. These trials were just a few of many that I and others have to endure. The good news is that God is real and we must trust that he has a plan even though they do not always go as we want, remember he is there and he is in control. That's not an easy thing to do to let go and let God. I finally figured this out this year. You can tell people God's in control but they don't fully grasp that,until they're ready. I didn't. I will rejoice on Easter because of the promise that it brings. I need , we need, to remember those last words every day, ...Thy will be done."

Emma and Eli hug

Emma and Eli hug ,
originally uploaded by barbromanowicz.

How sweet is this?! When Emma left school today Eli ran up to her and said, "Bye Emma! I love you!" Owen also ran up and gave Emma a big hug but I missed the shot! I hope they will always be friends. Emma is a very social little girl . Eli and Owen are always so kind to Emma. I feel that they mirror the love that their parents Kelly & Aaron so often show to everyone they come in contact with.Pre-school has been good for Emma, the school she attends is Christian and they are so good with the children. Again I am so happy that God blessed us with Emma. Blessed to by the friendship we share with the Lundbergs!